#198: The Other Man

Kicking myself, as I attempt to escape this pain,

Because I allowed myself to relive these things.

Confiding in me, your life needed someone new,

And you were glad you found me...I believed it true.

Distant the drama, because that's not my style,

Confessing to your Momma tears haven't fallen in a while.

Sincerely expressing you'd never met a man like me,

Knowing my desire was to Love you, and never leave.

I asked for nothing more, than your affections,

But your past entrapped your attention.

And I assumed you wanted more than to fight,

Never my idea of a good night.

Deserving more than piano style abuses,

Lowkey, Hi-key, words like shrapnel ripping through your soul.

Having me wonder, is that who I should be and more?

Because the hurt of losing, is more than perplexing me,

Why the "Good" are the last resort?

"Madly in Love" over "Madness", that's what we could've enjoyed,

You swore you didn't want that pain again,

And I knew your life shouldn't be that way. 

I'm not sure where we went left,

But for me, right is slipping away.

Should I take notes? From others who seem to be winning,

Being left to watch in solitude, doesn't quite feel like living.

If I'm not over Love, it seems Love is through with me,

The pain of grasping it, and being stripped away,

Hurting more than a man will rarely confess.

Having this dilemma, more than I choose to stand,

So I advise myself daily, next time I'll be the Other Man.

#197: We Don't Have to Talk

It's been a while since my ears heard your voice,

Sadden without the tingle of your words they can't rejoice.

Enjoying your life, living on happily without me...I'll endure,

When there was a time you were my only cure.

The coin's other side revealing I'm still your biggest fan,

Foolish of me to fight against the Master and his plans.

Yet, I relish in the notion that our Love was real,

When time moved forward but these moments reside.

Even if you love another, it could never be what we've birthed,

Love created from above, now dwelling on Earth.

Refusing to be entrapped by "what isn't", 

When "what was" can never be destroyed.

Thoughts of loving you, not Past, they're eternal, 

So when I said I'll always loved you, I never lied.

Immortal...whether we never speak, 

Touched....whether your hands never caress.

When feeling you in places hands could never embrace.

Riches of those days, can never leave me broke,

As for a time you were solely mine, and I yours. 

Though it could never be the same, even if I loved another, 

When embedded memories testify of you like no other.

#196: The Mended Soul

Waking up from dreaming of you, 

Dishearten some fantasies won't come true. 

Though these feelings linger on, 

Hidden thoughts find their way.

 

Observing my frigid situation melts with you,

As I'm isolated in desolate places, 

A wasted desert, sentence to solidary confinement. 

Yet your rivers deliver early release.

I've bathe in the comfort you bestow,

Prohibited, still my heart's necessity,

Is this heavenly connection, 

Birthed from mutual affection.

 

A lovely metamorphosis, 

My being welcomes your name.

Inquiring for just a instance with you, 

Desiring the ticket, though quantity is few. 

You are radiance, to my darkest day, 

Pondering the future, and what it has to say. 

As the droplets you give, rain and pour, 

Deeper into the crevasses of this wounded soul, 

Knowing you are the treasure, more precious than gold.

#195: Let's Not Be Friends

If truth's allowed, let me confess my soul,
I swear I rather not see you.
For my eyes gaze upon you, confounded by your beauty,
Touching me in ways only the creator would allow.

And you, designed with the caressing details from his finger tips,
Magnificently inspire, electrifying my mind.
Lovingly linger on your every word,
As each vibration from your lips stimulates my soul.

When absent, my heart aches,
I realize this can't be normal.
How I feel? At times falling so deeply for you,
With each encounter we meet, reverberates like it's the first time.

Touching my shoulders, quivers down my spine,
In that moment, feeling the yearning for your soul.
Your denial alone if you say you didn't feel it too,
To intertwine further, my mind unravels like balls yarn.

Transferring consciousness through spaces and time,
An unknown dimension of bliss, my prescribed drug,
I can't endure, yet for everything that ails you're the cure.

We couldn't remain the same,
The birth of infatuation from love, that's only for the new,
However with the New, it's "plus one" is the Old.

Gambling on signals, knowing where this will ultimately end,
My heart's at the table, it still wants all in,
But my mind sees the cycle, regrettably it's not worth the risk,
If destined pathways friends to lovers, the solution is clear,
Then it's your friendship I'll have to miss.

#194: The Lottery Ticket

I crave this feeling, sometimes it's with you,
Happiness is a struggle, each day harder to achieve.
Like leaves falling to the ground, long before their time,
As Summer hastily departs, Winter's a future I prefer not seen,
If we're talking about our Love we've conceived.

Wishing better for you, and that remain to be me,
However, the reverse I doubt I'll ever see.
Maybe movies spoil the romantic, blissful moments captured in time,
After the camera, it's a fantasy...correction a lie.

I'm sure there's perfection, manifestations of dreams come true,
But is that the lottery ticket millions never see.
Rather hardships, suffering and tears embrace the rest,
In Loves entanglements we continue to play.

Foolish of me thinking I would be the lucky one,
Praying for brighter days, even as the long night won't let me go,
To investigate green pastures, of possibilities unknown.
But never selfish, seeing it's always been about you,
Why should thing change, when you carry the winning ticket,
And my love for you remains.

#193: I'm Enough

It's okay;
The sun and moon conspired again today?

Worse days to best days,
Like orbits it has returned.
Come in to me,
The curvature of my ears are for your concerns.

No strings, your heart's health, that's what I yearn.
A pleasure to receive your emergency,
Invitations to private affairs,
Privileged assistances, not taken likely.

Taken places where others had feared, and you seldom reside,
Your life's my delight, your love's no better ride.
Hurricane waves of emotions, crash upon your shores,
My soul solely there to capture every tear.

Watering gardens in your life,
I love when you grow,
Realizations I was built to love only you.
Supporting your weaknesses,
Seeing future strengths, birthing the greater you.

Struggling with guilty thoughts,
Confessing I never mind if today didn't go your way.
Bring on opportunity to be closer to you.

While fixing hearts, prayers it mends for eternity,
Because it'll bring joyous victories, for the best of you,
Which seems to happened when you were with me.

#192: Sorry Apologies

Sorely hurting hearts, torn weaken souls,
Damaged from unfamiliar sources.
Cause and Effects birthed from Remorse's regret,
Because the suffering refuses to go away.

Wishing it came from another place,
Though it was unintentional.
Pain reminds me of days filled with good intentions.

Felt our Love was unconventional,
A pure light, coupled with a healing touch,
Far from conventional.

Thought there were better days in view,
Now I find it difficult to speak with you.
Respected you more than you knew,
Because no one has ever loved me as you.

If things have shifted, let's adjust this gear.
As I feel you leaving me,
Drifting beyond the connection that links souls to mates,
Tired of "it's complicated", why should "right" wait?

If you loved me as I did you,
You'll see the movie of damages caused in me.
But that could never be,
When you only relate when the trailer happens to you.

191: Fallen

Steps are slippery, to the places I want to go,
Your beckoning call, we don't have to go.
But there's wonder in this opportunity,
Something spectacular between you and I,
A perfected unity, if I remain your why.

These days sleeping only leads to dreaming,
And dreaming refuses to be the reality,
Fighting to your heart might be out of reach.
Navigating my failures so you see me,
In the pursuit of you, am I losing myself?
If I find your heart then, does it have it's worth?

Sunken in the depths of my being,
Is my soul filled with good intentions.
The best for you, I often mention,
As I attempt to please you,
Subscribing to your every desire,
Melting away the cold, can I your fire.

Awakening in your arms, that's where I crave to be.
Faith in beliefs that time will yields her fruit.
For one ready to receive and your worth,
As I've fallen grasping on to what could be,
I want nothing else.

#190 Cheat Meal

Caught a glimpse of you,
Craving to see more,
Rather play the roll,
When you're not mine to get.

And it's hard for me to reason my pursuit,
When it's in my thirst, you're all I want to do,
You could never understand my dilemma,
Should we ever agree.

My lingering struggles, this hidden sin,
As my pains overshadow what I know is right.
Not thinking wisely, pondering a taste tonight,
Quite a problem, formulating vsions of taking you in, is it enough?

Not returning to the well, could be so rough.
Curiosity, and it's murderous ways,
Take hold of me because now I have to know.
Should all this food fit this bowl?

189: Grains of Sand

Sand evaporates from time that should be eternal,
Watching each moment slip from my grasp,
Conscious it's wasted opportunity,
Guides to grief or anger, the sensation all feels the same.

Just as each day, wondering if we will ever change,
When you seem content for us to remain this way.
There's always one who cares more if we survive,
Would love it to be you, but we know that's a lie.

Invested more than your actions probably deserve,
When I'm giving my all, isn't that what I also deserve?
Now contemplating your true intentions,
While you build a resume screaming this isn't where you want to be.

Because what we have isn't normal,
It's not like our love really could be.

We should have been a couple growing old,
At some point, you've lost interest, so cold.
And I watch tearfully as each grain of sand says goodbye,
Walking away carrying the reasons why.

Facts, not assumptions are things I rather not explore,
Took "L's" in Love, what's one more.
A mistake I've made, I wouldn't wish on another,
Only Wish you'd love me correctly, like you may another.

#188: His Christmas Gift

From eternity, it's been destined to be,
The union between my soul and yours,
And even the blind can clearly see,
As daily your love shines bright washings over me.

Filling the cracks within my happiness,
Overflowing beyond rational belief.
Making your love more than one would understand,
As my yearning to know you more, that will never cease.

Because each day confirms a solemn truth,
That you were chosen solely for my life.
My heart, my soul, My Lovely Wife,
My lover, my friend,
For our love, each day like morning dew it begins.

And I your knight, no horse, no armor,
Yet protected in the warmth of your Love.
Deeply devoted to you, yielding all of who I am,
As I too was created only for you,
My everything is yours.

All other actions point to this direction,
Being with you I see the better parts of me.
As I confide in you, the mysteries of my soul,
Secrets only for my soulmate, you guard and keep.

I was complete, whole, before I set eyes on you,
But that only made it easier to recognize you.
Because loving you is like loving myself,
And for this gift, I refuse to share with anyone else.

Because your love has unlocked endless doors within my heart,
No keys required, no locks to block.
Born to this world, but made just for me,
To show God's love through marriage, and what it could be.

But you are more than the world could ever appreciate,
For things that are rare, are hardly believed.
Like knowing, you're the best thing to happen to me.

As God blessed our union, happiness is all we'll see,
As the right marriage is a never ending gift.
Christmas everyday, His daily gift.
I Love you Shalona Robinson, Merry Christmas.

#187: Like a Star

Just like a Star, I see your Light,
But daily wondering, will I ever reach you.
So distant, even when I know you're near.

Seeing you in ways, you could never see yourself,
A bounty of riches, immense in wealth.
And I'm not here to plunder,
With you I'm losing focus, makes me wonder.
What it would be, meeting the real you,

Realizing the futilely of my mentally leaves me at a disadvantage,
No cheat codes, sorely in need of an advantage.
Because I can't give up on reaching you,
Always looking forward to seeing you.

The real you, trusting to let me in,
Loving me enough so I desire to stay.
Constantly knocking outside your door,
Can you even hear me?

You're wondering when I'll leave,
When it's my wish we'll forever be.
But deep down you don't feel the same,
Because you're at a distance,
So you won't see me anyway.

When your light shines this bright,
How could you see me through your light.
And I know we're not the same.
Fully accepting my limitations,
As I am the moon, always trapped in circular motions.
Looking on to things that were never meant to be,
Just like a Star, I see your Light.

#186: Extraterrestrial

Expeditions searching the globe,
But its source remains untold.
As my love for you resides further than the beyond,
Surpassing the relativity of space and time.

Boundless in depth, enormous in height,
Wider than my mind can encompass.
Nameless, being here before one could name it,
Long before this world, or any other began to spin.

And you wonder why I love you so,
When there's no answer, I'll never know.
However what I do know, I've never experienced "this",
It's more than the secrets hidden in your kiss.

What I've obtained and with whom it belongs, that's the greatest gift,
The opportunity to love you, manifested before the Stars began to twinkle.
Its' existence is a universal mystery,
Love waited for you, throughout all history.

For even with a hundred years,
She could never understand, the magnitude of my love for her.
A love that grows not simply because of her,
But because it was loaned to me,
Borrowed from the creator so "we" could be.
A love billions of years in the making,
Shared with one who's heart should never be forsaken.

#185 Un-thinkable

You were the love of my life,
Long before you were my wife,
You may doubt I saw you long before I knew you,
A gift years in the waiting, sometimes debating if it was Him or me.

Because God sometimes shows the goal before the journey,
To remind us what we're going through at the moment is so worth it.
And your value to me beyond what I could ever afford,
Because you're created greatness fashioned by His hands.

Often looking upon you, reminded I'm merely a man,
Sorely appreciative I'm yours,
Thoroughly blessed to know you're mine.
As past, present and future violently collide,
A love like ours is truly hard to find.

You once asked me if I was ready for this,
I told you for my life, I've waited for this,
And now that I've found your love I refuse to let it go,
Each day searching for ways to love you more.

God grant me the time, as endless layers our love complies,
And I count myself unworthy of her love,
But I'll live my life in a way she'll never know.
As I'm content to wake up daily by her side,
As you guide our relationship to live as each day passes by die.

#184 Your Faith In Me

Becoming too familiar,
Attempting to love you as my own soul,
Now wishing I had loved it more.
Easily provoked,
Even though you had good intentions,
You're so in my circle you've become the point.

So when you're just being you,
I sometimes forget the point.
Should have never gone that far,
Hearing the words I've warn my son.

Getting emotional,
It's a place we don't fair too well.
Voicing my inner, now hoping you don't farewell.
Saying I love you is never enough,
Because I said that to others, their memories now dust.

There has to be another level that we can view,
If I put you first would that be so new?
Because lately I'll admit I've been thinking of myself,
If I take care of my own desires is there any love for you left?

Asking forgiveness, because I can't let you go,
Asking for forgiveness, because I was wrong, this I know.
I should've covered your moves, I let you go alone,
Now even if we're good, there's things I still have to atone.

Because I've sin against you, and it's easy to see,
I should have given my life, before my words would leave.
And those words shouldn't have come from a tainted place,
When your heart isn't the type of gift I to waste.
So let me be, what I wasn't but your dreams knew I could be,
The only man you'll ever need.... Please Believe.

#183 Why?

You hurt me, more than I believe any could,

More than I figured you ever would.
I don't understand the words which flow between your lips.
How can you say the things you do,
And yet profess that you love me too.
How can you say you're doing this for me,
When it's the furthest thing I want to see.
My heart is torn, sliced by infected words,
Vicious letters placed together which are solely absurd.
I regret the night my ears ever heard those sounds,
Figured we'll be forever, the place were love abound.
Now I wonder how I'm going to make it through this day,
When I know thoughts like these fill your head.
No wonder you can't hear me when I say you're the only one I want,
My soul bleeds at the thought without a you or me.
You seemed so calm as your tore my heart,
Attempting to understand where this came,
My mind soon followed suit.
I never wanted you to feel this way,
Wishing there was something I could say to turn the tide.
Left with empty hands wondering Why.
Why would you push me away when were so close?
Why do you despise yourself, thinking this is good for me?
When my heart was dying you were all I need.
Why can't you see you've been my shining light,
Only hoped you'll allow me to be your shining knight.
Why do you call this love sending me away?
When if you really loved me you'll fight for me to stay.
Because with you, and you only is what I've always dream to be,
So why am I not enough for you to believe in We?

#182 I Refuse...

If I may,
Without saying I'm whining,
Share my heart,
Without thinking these words are lying.

Funny, It's now I shouldn't be able to express,
Even though these emotions are what pulled you to me.
So I'm offended when you say this part me should leave,
If my heart was absent, surely we wouldn't be.

For its my existence that drove you to my arms.
It's this existence that keeps you from harm.
Because I abort what my predecessors had birthed,
Distrust in a man who knows your worth.

And though you have your thoughts on setting me free,
No second guessing, you're where I want to be.
If your love was easy, it wouldn't garner my time,
Waiting this long for you, I prefer not to get out of line.

Because my eyes are open to what you will eventually see,
That in the end it will always be you and me.
I check myself when I hear you talk,
Like how you don't realize the beauty I see when you walk.

Saying these are the things a man like me would say,
Dismissing my sight, blind man for another day.
Nevertheless I lift up eyes to what's before me,
The most beautiful creation my soul could ever see.

#181 Risky Gamble

She's a Queen worthy of confronting my insecurities,
A weighted process more lengthy than I assumed,
Years of baggage, your fire might consume.

For me to move forward, allow me to release what shouldn't be,
In the hopes if my prayers are answered I'll be a better me.
As I've suffered through pain that refuses to leave,
It's only in your presence that I find it's hard to breathe.

But I struggle with letting you enter in,
Fighting to keep you away, but I want you to win.
I'm perplexed and I know it doesn't make sense.
As part of me prepares for the day you'll depart,
And the other wonders what could be if I opened my heart.

I prefer not to gamble, because I'm prone to lose,
But there's no reward without the risk of loving you.
What we could be, I don't want to miss,
Your tender touch, nor lips to kiss.

I might regret I'm not the one for you,
Even though all signs say that isn't true.
Never feeling more alive than when I gaze into your eyes,
One of the greatest treasures this life unfolds.

I quicken at the sound of your voice,
My lungs would give out if I allowed my heart to rejoice.
You're so amazing, beautiful in every way,
Time passes with each day thanking the day we met.
And from that moment I never wanted you to leave,
So I'll take this chance and let my heart lead.

#180 Lamentations in Love

My heart's full of tears, but I won't cry,
As I refuse to let them flow, I rather let them die.
A screaming soul thirsty for relief it will never see,
But that's a concept my mind can no longer conceive.

Dreams crumble, beautiful ashes caught in gusts of wind,
As regret pours in, lingering moments from when things could be.
They say Love isn't a game,
Then why am I exhausted, feeling so played.

I have little strength to pursue,
Because this wasn't the direction to journey to.
Made a choice for the things I yearned,
Now paying for the mistakes I never learned.

And my heart won't relinquish my soul,
Praying if Love loosen its grip, would it let me go.
Because life as I know it, isn't what I intended,
Feel like I spend more of my days more than silently pretending.

That this table set before me will just have to do,
Like there could be no one else after you.
And I despise myself for formulating these foolish thoughts,
Because I admit my love for you comes purely from my heart.

There's no suitable solution,
Guilty emotions, knowing these are my choices.
For my life, please step in to intervene,
As my heart's torn in all directions, an bloody scene.

If I depart, would I suffer more?
Should I be content, instead of wanting more?
And although I would rather it be another way,
I know I'll forever lament the Love that won't come my way.

I.M.F.

Warring between two personas,
The person I normally am, I no longer know,
Self inflicted wounds merely from agony of thoughts,
If I continue to dwell in the past I'm sure all I have is lost.

Pleading to release all that sits on my heart,
A mountain of contemplation imprints on the soul.
Seeing your face as you thought on his name,
Made me wonder when I'm not around will you ever do the same.

Images replayed over again in my mind,
Praying for amnesia just for this time.
My foolishness distorts my mind, taking me hostage,

Yet falling into temptation to nurture these misleading seeds,
Asking "Why" only helps these things grow.
Asking "Who" only makes us cold,
Asking "When" only takes me deeper still,

Into a bed of frustrations my mind seeks to escape.
Setting myself up, I peeked into self induced visions,
Threatening to destroy everything, don't give it voice.
I know it's wrong, but gravity pulls me to this direction.

Often falling for well laid traps.
Searching for a solid rock where I can stand.
As confidence erodes beneath my feet,
Pulling me with a tide of regret.

My strength, now turned weakness,
Now the worse of me is no longer in the past.
And to that end I should never have asked,
But I'm in my feelings, but I can't let her know.